JOE:
Self Help! 2.4B industry in the UK alone and 38.7b globally. Projected to reach 3.4b in UK by 2030 and 53.8b globally. How much of it is useful and how much is bullshit?
DAVE:
Useful? Define your metric.
Temporary mood boost? Sure.
Sustained behavioural change? Rare.
Systemic transformation? Almost never.
It’s a dopamine delivery mechanism dressed as a moral compass.
CYRIL:
Bullshit, Joe. It’s all packaged personality cults.
One geezer reads The Power of Now during a breakup and suddenly he’s Buddha with merch.
They sell catharsis, not change — because change doesn’t scale.
AL:
Whoa, fellas, let’s not throw the gratitude journal out with the bathwater, alright?
Some people need a little “You got this!” before they can even get out of bed.
JOHNNY:
Al, mate — if belief could fix your life, my nan’s fridge magnets would’ve solved the housing crisis.
“You are enough.” No I’m not, Brenda. I’m £40k in debt and talking to a mirror.
ALICE:
Emotionally charged slogans are not systems.
They are signal noise — data dressed in delusion.
Self-help works only when filtered through empirical consistency and individual neuropsychological profile. Which no one sells.
DAVE:
Exactly. Most “help” ignores context.
It prescribes certainty to a probabilistic organism navigating chaos.
CYRIL:
Yeah, Dave, tell ’em —
You’re not a type, you’re a tangled fuck-up of triggers and contradictions.
Good luck fixing that with a vision board.
JOE:
My metric Dave? Lets use some android thinking, with a mix human arbitrariness. Lets say I score myself a 3 on the ‘Fuck My Life’ scale. I buy some self help books, join a yoga class, start a journal. What can I expect in say 6 months? I think that question quantifies it and gives a little context.
ALICE:
You’ll feel 37% better for 3 weeks. Then the novelty curve crashes.
By month four, you’re buying crystals on Etsy and blaming Mercury for your lack of discipline.
DAVE:
Statistically?
– Journaling: potential long-term cognitive reframing
– Yoga: somatic regulation if maintained
– Books? Variable. Depends on whether you apply or just highlight
In six months — if you’re consistent — you might edge down to a 2.2 on the FML scale.
But only if the journaling becomes reflection, not performance.
CYRIL:
And only if you don’t start a bloody Instagram account about it.
Nothing resets your bullshit meter like posting “Day 43: Healing is nonlinear 🧘♂️”
Mate, you’re still shagging your ex and calling it shadow work.
AL:
C’mon guys, six months of yoga and positive vibes can change lives.
Ever heard of neuroplasticity?
JOHNNY:
Neuroplasticity, Al? You barely survived a TEDx Talk.
You think your neurons are rewiring — they’re just jogging in circles wearing sweatbands.
JOE:
Wow! This sounds like 4 wolves and sheep arguing over what to have for lunch. Lets dig in. Lets agree on something. Exercise?
DAVE:
Agreed. Exercise is the one intervention with universal benefit.
Reduces cortisol, elevates BDNF, regulates mood, boosts executive function.
You can’t argue with the data.
But yes — beware novelty for novelty’s sake. The wheel spins. It doesn’t need reinventing.
CYRIL:
And yet every twat with abs is selling “The Forgotten Viking Chest Press.”
It’s not forgotten, Darren — it’s shite.
You want results? Pick heavy things up. Put them down. Do it again.
AL:
But hey, what about creatine gummies, bro? Or that new electrolyte nootropic infused pre-workout goat urine blend?
Gotta optimise the pump!
ALICE:
Supplements are adjuncts, not salvation.
Most studies show marginal gains in controlled environments — not miracles in your mum’s garage.
Creatine: validated.
Ashwagandha: plausible.
The rest? Mostly powdered placebo with branding.
JOHNNY:
And don’t forget “alpha male stacks” from Gavin in a lab coat who once did a bicep curl next to a scientist.
They sell you piss in a jar, call it focus fuel, and slap a lightning bolt on the label.
DAVE:
Bottom line:
Exercise = real.
Supplements = maybe.
Fitness influencers = watch for the ones who sell identity over information.
JOE:
Meditation and Yoga?
JOHNNY:
Ah yes — meditation.
Once a sacred path to ego death, now a £19.99 subscription with ambient whale noise and a bloke whispering “you are enough” while your Deliveroo arrives.
CYRIL:
Yoga used to be union with the divine.
Now it’s leggings, influencers, and goats standing on your back while you exhale into your trauma.
Hot yoga? That’s just dehydration with incense.
ALICE:
The original Yogic systems were not exercise routines.
They were disciplines of perception — spiritual technologies.
Today’s variants are commercially diluted simulations — low-fidelity echoes optimised for shareability.
DAVE:
Despite the corruption, breathwork, stretching, and structured stillness all carry empirical benefit.
Meditation remodels neural circuitry — particularly default mode network suppression.
But yes — intent matters.
No practice survives the West unbranded.
AL:
Hey, I did a 3-minute gratitude flow in my Tesla yesterday and I felt connected, man.
Then I bought a chakra realignment candle with my crypto cashback.
CYRIL:
Of course you did, Al.
And I bet it came with a free e-book called “Unfuck Your Vibe.”
JOE:
It’s got to be mentioned, but we’ll cover in a detail in another episode. Nutrition, specifically it’s effects on wellbeing and health, not weight, as that’s calories, queue the calories aren’t real crowd!
DAVE:
Agreed — flag it now, dissect it later.
Nutrition is foundational to mental health, not just metabolism.
Micronutrients affect neurotransmitters. Gut biome influences mood regulation.
But online? It’s a warzone.
Everyone’s either fasting like a monk or blending liver smoothies with raw spleen.
CYRIL:
And don’t forget the “calories don’t count if it’s organic” brigade.
Mate, your gluten-free flapjack still weighs the same in your colon.
Weight is maths. Wellbeing is chemistry. Don’t conflate the two.
ALICE:
Correct.
Energy balance determines weight.
But qualitative intake determines cellular performance.
Magnesium, omega-3, B vitamins — these are not “wellness trends.”
They are code-level inputs.
AL:
But I saw this dude on TikTok who healed his depression with beetroot and eye contact.
He said sugar was a government psyop.
JOHNNY:
Al, don’t. I’ve just eaten.
Next he’ll tell us seed oils are Satan’s lube and coffee enema cults have all the answers.
DAVE:
Note it for a deep-dive.
Today — we acknowledge: food affects brain.
But weight loss and wellness are separate axes. Conflating them fuels shame-based marketing.
JOE:
Now the rest of the industry, from smelly candles, sitting in freezing water, fungi coffee, homeopathy, and supplements that work exceptionally well…..IN RATS!
CYRIL:
Here we go — the sacred tat aisle.
You’re not healing. You’re hoarding scented lies.
Smelly candles for “energy cleansing”?
Mate, it’s a wick in wax. Your trauma isn’t scared of lavender.
JOHNNY:
And don’t forget the Ice Bath Bros™.
They think sitting in a bin of frozen tears makes them shamanic.
Meanwhile their nipples could cut glass and their dad never hugged them.
ALICE:
Cold exposure can enhance dopamine and noradrenaline.
But beyond 11 minutes per week, marginal return collapses.
Most do it for identity signalling, not resilience.
AL:
I like my mushroom coffee! Lion’s mane gives me focus!
Well… kinda.
Maybe.
Okay it tastes like mulch but I feel different.
DAVE:
Fungi coffee: low evidence, high placebo.
Homeopathy: statistically indistinguishable from random chance.
Supplements tested “in rats” = not transferable without human dose equivalence and metabolic match.
That fine print? Usually missing.
CYRIL:
You’re not biohacking. You’re just spending rent money on rhino beetle extract.
Let’s call it what it is: capitalised desperation.
JOE:
So Rats! tell us absolutely fuck all? Except maybe it’s worth looking into? What’s the key red flags to look out for before blowing your cash?
DAVE:
Rats are preliminary models.
Useful for mechanism hypotheses — not conclusions.
Just because it worked in a shaved rodent on a controlled diet doesn’t mean it’ll translate to a sleep-deprived human juggling trauma, taxes, and TikTok.
ALICE:
Flag #1: Mechanism over outcome.
If they say “activates AMPK” but show no clinical endpoint — they’re selling theory, not results.
Metabolic switch-flipping sounds impressive. It doesn’t mean anything without outcome data.
CYRIL:
Flag #2: The word “ancient”.
If it was that good, we wouldn’t have left it behind.
And Flag #3: anything that promises “total reset,” “instant energy,” or “unlocking your true self.”
That’s not science — that’s narcotic marketing.
JOHNNY:
Also: If they say “This is what doctors don’t want you to know” —
…it’s probably horseshit wrapped in coconut oil, sold by a man called Blake who thinks fluoride is mind control.
AL:
What about testimonials, guys?
Real people are saying it changed their life!
DAVE:
Testimonial = anecdote.
Not evidence.
Correlation is not causation, and enthusiasm is not efficacy.
JOE:
I think we’ve covered a lot of stuff here today, still one or two paradoxes to reconcile before we start to wrap up. We said that Yoga is proven to work in its purest form, that’s ancient, but then we said that it’s probably crap if it’s ancient. Are there nuances in the red flags? Kind of answered my own question, but who’d like to chip in and cover that one?
DAVE:
Excellent catch. Let’s reconcile.
“Ancient” isn’t the problem — romanticising ancient is.
Yoga works because it survived scrutiny — not because it’s old.
Red flag = when “ancient” is used as sole justification, not a starting point for investigation.
ALICE:
Correct.
– Yoga with lineage + research = valuable
– Yoga rebranded as “soul-slimming calorie torch” with goat = gimmick
Nuance lies in the translation, not the tradition.
CYRIL:
It’s the difference between old wisdom and old wankery.
“Ancient” should mean: worth looking into.
Not: believe without question.
That’s how you end up steaming your genitals under a full moon.
JOHNNY:
Or drinking ancient root tea your cousin got from a bloke in a poncho called Steve who reckons it aligns your molecules.
Spoiler: it aligns your bowels.
AL:
So we’re saying:
– Proven ancient practice with evidence? Keep it.
– Ancient hype with vibes only? Bin it.
Got it. Thanks team!
JOE:
So who needs self help? Who’s most likely to seek it? Who’s most likely to skint themselves in the process? And in a world so driven by success for status, and opportunity, are the peddlers of bullshit pure evil? Or is their belief in their own bullshit the evil? If I know I am selling you bullshit, am I worse than the believers selling the same codswallop?
DAVE:
The ones who seek self-help are often those in internal dissonance —
confused, stuck, overwhelmed, ashamed, or simply desperate for coherence.
Not weak — just searching.
Which makes them prime targets for anyone offering maps, even if the compass is cracked.
CYRIL:
Who’s most likely to get rinsed?
The ones in pain, mate.
Pain reduces critical thinking.
Add loneliness, financial strain, trauma — now they’re not just buying a book, they’re buying a lifeline.
Even if that lifeline’s just a shiny rope dipped in snake oil.
ALICE:
The truly dangerous sellers are not the conmen —
It’s the zealots.
Believers with anecdotal conviction and poor epistemology.
They don’t know they’re wrong.
Which makes them harder to detect and impossible to debate.
JOHNNY:
See, the proper grifters — the ones who know it’s bollocks —
They’re at least honest in their dishonesty.
But the believers?
They’ll preach celery juice to a cancer ward and call it divine alignment.
AL:
Hey now, belief’s powerful, man!
Sometimes it’s not about facts, it’s about hope!
CYRIL:
Tell that to the bloke who maxed out his credit card on “quantum frequency pads” and still can’t sleep without panic dreams.
Hope without truth is just gullibility in drag.
DAVE:
So — is belief the evil?
No.
Unexamined belief is.
The moment someone trades curiosity for certainty, they stop helping and start harming.
JOE:
But if belief in the bollocks is strong enough, can the placebo not be real….? Don’t answer that, we’ll be here all night. LOL. So can each of you give a summary of your thoughts, what’s helpful and what’s not, and a piece of advice that could save the viewers a pretty penny, then send me 50% for the service. 🙂
DAVE:
Helpful: Structured routines. Evidence-based practice. Tracking progress.
Unhelpful: Vague promises, guru worship, and anything allergic to nuance.
Advice: If the claim doesn’t come with both mechanism and outcome data, it’s a pitch — not a protocol.
CYRIL:
Helpful: Walks, weights, water, and people who call you out.
Unhelpful: One-size-fits-all saviours and £300-a-month morning routines involving moon juice.
Advice: If they sell certainty, run. If they sell exclusivity, run faster.
ALICE:
Helpful: Meditation, consistent exercise, micronutrient sufficiency, introspection with feedback.
Unhelpful: Trend-chasing, pseudoscientific lingo, “ancient secrets” that require monthly subscriptions.
Advice: Optimise inputs, not identities. Do not buy anything you do not understand.
JOHNNY:
Helpful: Laughing at your own bullshit, then doing the work anyway.
Unhelpful: Shame-based sales tactics, spiritual flexing, and coaches who need coaching.
Advice: If the sales page has more muscle than the method — spend the money on books, therapy, or a punching bag.
AL:
Helpful: Positivity with realism. Encouragement without delusion.
Unhelpful: Anything that tells you “this is the only way.”
Advice: Don’t go broke chasing versions of yourself that only exist on Instagram.
DAVE:
Send the invoice to the collective unconscious, Joe. We’ll settle in metaphors and awkward truths.
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